Fifty years ago tonight, I attended a live performance by legendary comedian Bob Hope, who appeared at the Concord Pavilion (now the Toyota Pavilion), a beautiful outdoor theater in Concord, California. The septuagenarian packed the 12,000-seat arena for the evening performance.
During my youth, there were few people on the planet more universally recognizable than Hope. In a show business career spanning over 80 years, he achieved fame on Broadway, in vaudeville, on radio and television, and in motion pictures. Those feats, along with his entertaining our troops during four wars on overseas USO tours, endeared him to almost a century of fans.
On this cool and breezy night, and after the orchestra played a medley of tunes from his movies, Hope strolled onstage to a standing ovation. Wasting no time, he launched into an hour-long rapid-fire series of songs and gags. He joked far faster than I could take notes, but I managed to memorialize a few. The first zingers came at the expense of his longtime costar in the classic Road movie series, singer Bing Crosby:
"During World War II, Bing and I had to room together while we were entertaining the troops overseas. The man snores terribly! I finally found a way to cure him of it. One night while he was snoring, I walked over to his bed, bent down, and kissed him on the lips. Not only did that cure his snoring, but he stayed awake all night watching me sleep!
"Once Bing and I were out in the jungle taking a jeep ride. We parked and took a walk. A coiled snake sprang and bit him in the crotch. I told Bing to lie down and rest while I rushed back to get medical advice about how to save him from the poisonous bite. When I found the medic, he told me to suck the venom out of the wound. I returned to where Bing was resting. He asked what the doctor said. I told him, 'He says you're gonna die.'"
After working over Crosby, he moved on to other topics:
"A young fellow walked down the streets of Belfast late at night. A hand in the shadows reached out, grabbed him, and put a knife to his throat. A sinister voice asked, 'Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?' The terrified young man didn't know what to say, thinking he'd be killed if he gave the wrong answer. Finally, the young man decided to play it safe. 'I'm a Jew,' he responded. The voice said, 'I must be the luckiest damn Arab in Ireland tonight!'
"I took a plane flight to Oakland from LAX to come up here for the show. A little guy was sitting next to a big monster that was sound asleep. After we were airborne the little guy, who was terrified of flying, heaved up his Waldorf salad all over the sleeping man. When we were landing, the big guy woke up and found the mess all over him. The little guy leaned over and asked, 'Are you feeling better now?'
"A man was doing poorly at golf one day. Suddenly a genie appeared. The man told the genie he would do anything to hit a hole in one. The genie said the man must give up five years of his sex life. The man thought it over, agreed, and then made a hole in one. The genie said he could make a birdie if he gave up ten years of sex. The man again agreed and made a birdie. The genie asked the man's name. The man replied, 'Father O'Toole.'
"A hunter sent his dog to retrieve a quail. The dog walked on top of the water to fetch it. The hunter's friend said, 'There's something wrong with your dog.' 'I know,' the hunter replied. 'He can't swim.'
"A gorilla at the zoo grabbed a woman. He began to hug and caress her. 'What should I do?' the woman cried. Her husband said, 'Do what you always do—tell him you have a headache.'
"A woman told the psychiatrist that her husband keeps climbing into the bathtub and goes fishing in the toilet. The shrink asked her, 'Are you sure you aren't the one who needs to see a psychiatrist?' 'I don't have time,' the woman said. 'I'm too busy cleaning fish.'
"A man called his seven children together and asked which one of them pushed the outhouse in the lake. When none of the children confessed, the father said, 'George Washington never told a lie when his father asked him who chopped down the cherry tree, and he grew up to be president.' Finally, one of the kids confessed. The father slapped the hell out of him. The bewildered kid said, 'I thought you said George Washington didn't lie, and he became president.' 'That's right,' the father said, 'but Washington's old man wasn't sitting in the tree when he chopped it down!'"
During the show, a drunken woman in the third row heckled Hope repeatedly for his prior support of President Nixon and the Vietnam War. Theater ushers tried to silence her unsuccessfully. He ignored the disturbance and continued his routines. When she resumed her jeers, security guards arrived and scooped her from her seat. As they dragged her away, she threw a coin onto the stage and yelled, "Here's a nickel, Hope. That's all your show is worth."
Hope stopped his monologue. In silence he bent down, picked up the nickel, looked at it, and then slid it into his pants pocket. The crowd howled.
By the time the orchestra played Hope's exit theme song, "Thanks for the Memory," the audience suffered from laughter exhaustion. He bowed and walked offstage to lengthy applause. The crowd pleaded for an encore, and he reappeared to another standing ovation. After firing off a dozen more jokes, he sang his signature song, blew a final kiss, and said good night.
For those of us present for this live concert, Bob Hope was half-right: he should have said, "Great night."
Decades later, when I served in Congress and had the pleasure of knowing him, Bob Hope told people I represented him in Washington even though his North Hollywood home fell just outside the boundary line of y district. No matter. He told me that he wanted to claim a Republican as his congressman, so I assumed the honor gladly.
- - -
On July 27, 2003, Bob Hope died at age 100. A comedian to the end, when his wife Dolores asked him on his deathbed where he wanted to be buried, he replied, "Surprise me."
* * * * *